The journey to becoming a married woman wasn’t something that happened out of nowhere; there was a lot of self-discovery along the way. Throughout my personal experiences, I was able to gain knowledge and more understanding on what I was doing wrong and share it with others. At the time, 24, I was ending another relationship being totally disrespected. I sat and put an evaluation on my life, so far; okay, what is the deal?
My situation may be different or relatable but I decided not to attend college after high school with my peers. 6 years were spent, partying, hanging out, hanging on and just trying to figure how I was going to live day to day. In this time frame, I also came in contact with a lot of men who found me attractive. I went on dates, had boyfriends but always ended up hitting a dead end. I soon realized the quality of life that I was living attracted the same qualities in men. I showed no interest in bettering myself as an individual and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t being taken serious. Often times, I was the girlfriend who didn’t say much or had an opinion. I was always open to being “guided” or told how to be including the way I dressed, spoke, my way of thought and overall interest. In my mind, I wasn’t worthy enough to be with the person, who often was successful. I thought I had to constantly compete in order to be considered as an equal. Apologies were always apart of my vocabulary because I never wanted to say or do the wrong things for him to leave me. My own mind told me that I was always doing wrong because I lacked confidence, reluctant to put myself first.
Is what you want, what he wants? You cannot ask a single man to be a husband! Nowhere in the definition of dating does it include the word marriage! Somehow, we have put it in our minds that women have to prove themselves to a boyfriend that they are ‘wifey material” to live happily ever after. Somehow you find yourself alone thinking “Damn, I’m beautiful, smart, loyal, kind, caring, giving, “down”, I wash, I cook and clean”! Those are great qualities to have, as a wife, not a girlfriend. You are giving him everything you have being a single woman, what is it that you are giving yourself? Either a man will see it as pushy and pull away or get very comfortable with not being fully committed. Don’t put yourself in a situation where there are investments made with no promise of a return.
Every house is built off a solid foundation and from the ground up. If I did not start putting more of a permanent effort into my life, everything would have continued to come by and knock it down. Personally, I made the decision to go back to school, get closer to GOD, put dating on hold, have more friends and relax! I discovered a lot about myself and grew stronger as a person. When I had more things to do, having a man or husband became less of a priority.
In the middle of my self-discovery is when I met my husband; this was the first time I was completely a free person. There were no expectations; I was just being a girlfriend because I had a life of my own! At this point, the cooking and cleaning was something I did for myself. This was a part of the foundation that I was building on for my life and to make it strong enough for an addition later on. When we became fully committed, my then boyfriend fully understood that he was only adding to my existing happiness.
The journey to my now 30-year-old self has taught me a lot. Ultimately, it’s not about who gets down the aisle first or will this be the right man for me? The bigger picture is seeing you as the ultimate priority and allowing everything else to fall into place, as it should. Love yourself as much as you want someone else to love you and they will! –Mrs. Tahirah